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| February 03, 2014 | ||
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There's also a bit of a logic gap on page 4. How would wolves know
about teddy bears and hippies? I don't think the hippy movement
started until about 30 years later. Teddy bears might have been
around back then, but would wild animals know, or care, about them?
As for T-bones, I don't know if wolves would use terms like that.
"Haunch" or "shoulder" would make more sense. Lastly, the whole thing about being serious vs. having fun doesn't really make sense to just throw in at the last minute. A change that significant should be taken more slowly. |
| February 03, 2014 | ||
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As for the romance between Aleu and Taku, my main suggestion would be
to mix it up a little. Throw in some times where they don't get along
well for stupid reasons (one of my leading ladies once got mad at her
guy because she felt he was treating her like an infant when, really,
he was just trying to be chivalrous and make sure she was safe). Try
reading Brian Jacques' book Redwall and then watching the animated
series (season 1); the relationship between Matthias and Cornflower
was, in my opinion, much more entertaining in the show because it had
more ups and downs. Aleu had a good hunting strategy on page 2, but the rationale used to defend it on page 3 overlooked the fact that those deer weren't native to the island; they had come en masse from the mainland, and would have created an imbalance. So although the wolves' role in the balance was key, the argument made in favor of limited hunting makes it sound like they were trying not to disrupt omething already in balance. Ecologically speaking, their presence would restore something that was currently out of balance. |
| February 03, 2014 | ||
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Well, this is a nice story, but before you work on improving your
romance writing I'd suggest you start with readability. Try starting
a new paragraph each time the speaker changes, and taking more care
with your punctuation and capital letters. For example, instead of Aleu walked up to her friend "Are you sure this is going to work?" the male wolf nodded "I'm almost certain, after all it sounded like a good plan to me. That was quite a good speech you did there Aleu, I'm impressed. Keep that up and the rest of the clan will accept you in no time." Aleu blushed a bright red under her cheeks "hm, thank you." Try doing it more like this: Aleu walked up to her friend "Are you sure this is going to work?" The male wolf nodded "I'm almost certain, after all it sounded like a good plan to me. That was quite a good speech you did there Aleu, I'm impressed. Keep that up and the rest of the clan will accept you in no time." Aleu blushed a bright red under her cheeks. "Hm, thank you." FYI, I used to make the same mistake (back before I joined this site). |
| May 13, 2013 | ||
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Wonderful. |
| July 18, 2012 | ||
This is Awesome indeed!! Even awesome won't describe how touching this
fanfic is!! |
![]() | July 18, 2012 | |
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| March 28, 2012 | ||
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thanks so much frozen! this is my fave written story so far and im
darn proud of it too. |
| March 21, 2012 | ||
Well, interesting story. Although, for me, everything went by too
fast. Haha. But again, it's a good one. |
| August 08, 2011 | ||
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thanks =) |
| August 06, 2011 | ||
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Terrific! |